By Pejj Nunes

Just Thoughts.

Thoughts come, and we do not have to pick up and run with all of them. Thoughts get us into so much trouble! Especially if we do not discern what they are and what they mean if we get entangled with them. If we start rattling them around in our heads where they get stuck and set on the recure now button! At that point thoughts are like stacking up the pros and cons when you take a stand about something important, in this case it can be everything that feels important. But it often is not as important as you think it is. Not in the way it seems.

We humans seem to think we need to understand everything, and when you live like that it takes up all your time. Clarifying what you own, what your responsibility is with a matter should be a priority. Don’t take on what is not yours. Find out by thinking it through. Ask “Who owns this problem?” Then check if you own a part of it. The issues other people have with other people is between them. The person who originated the issue and the person involved.

I told my kids years ago now that in a family unit each one of us was responsible for the relationships within that family unit. Kids of course are on a learning curve and need time: they are responsible for their part with their age a consideration. What do they understand. The trick is kids can sound like they understand, but they have not lived a long life of experiences. What they hear may elighten them but it does not teach what they need to know about how to communicate effectively. Meaning listening, turn taking during conversations, understanding body language and tone of voice, and what mixed messages. Not all adults understand or put these into practice.

However, in that family unit the main two people are the parents. What you say and do matters. How we carry ourselves is observed by our children and by others.

Relationships and having connections with one another is like a garden, that gets extended as more gardeners come on board. How you tend that garden matters, if you water, fertilize it, weed it___ well, if you as the parents meet the needs of your children your family will become. Love comes from having respect and trust in one another, belief and making allowances for people to grow. Loving one another is a commitment.

There are many things that make relationships fail. If your garden is not tended, and taken care of it will become full of weeds to the point where it feels overwhelming. This sense of being overwhelmed happens with anyone in a family unit. An overwhelmed person needs to be able to say and be heard when they are feeling overwhelmed.

We all matter! We are all different individuals. This said, we can learn about one another. We can learn what it means to accept other people’s feelings and allow them the time to come to terms with them. There is such frustration for anyone when they cannot say what they feel they need to say that is important to them. It requires patience to listen to others. The hard part is not feeling there is time. However, it is vital to take or make the time and not put it off. You might look at it this way. Have you ever chosen to do “it” later because you wanted to avoid it going south. In that moment doing something that would be more fun seemed a better idea. It’s grabbing that time right then an there that often makes the biggest difference!

This stems from learning from some of my hardest lessons. May they be pearls of wisdom and something you can use. My first marriage got very wonky. Later a second marriage was very good but in the mix I found myself still dealing with the wonkiness of the first marriage robbing the second of a lot more good time.

Life get’s better when you pivot!

The second marriage worked because we worked together, we were older when we met for one thing, and we talked a lot about what we wanted in a relationship. Both wanted to be who we were as individuals. We wanted to become! We build on the relationship and there was a lot of love and laughter. The love came from trusting, believing in, and listening to each other. When we had differences, we allowed each other their own thoughts about something. Allowing time for thinking give a chance for changing one’s thoughts if they need to change.

Thomas turned out to be the love of my life. We talked about anything and everything. We talked about what it meant to be female and male. He heard me as a woman. And when he considered who I was it was with who I was in mind. In turn I too considered what he shared with me about his own feelings. It is possible to find a balance about who we are. It requires sharing how we feel and what we believe our truest reality is, keeping in mind realities change with experiencing life. We are not the same at 50 as we are in our 20’s. But we can remember or be reminded.

Sure, the full-wide image can be pretty big. But sometimes the image is worth it.

Thomas & Me.

Thomas died in 2020. I don’t like the word widow, I see myself suddenly single! Poof and he was gone! Mu soul mate, my best friend. I decided I needed to change things up! I was so welled love that that is comforting. Though I miss him. It has been six years now. And here I am back in Maine and building back my studio, creating a worthwhile life with family and friends in my little Boho rental. Lots of plans in the making!

What you need to know about losing your best friend is this: That you need to change things up by doing new things, things you have never done, and things you have always wanted to do. Ya! No longer in the 20s or even 40’s___. Don’t let life scare you. Pull up those big girl panties or big boy briefs! Do what you can, find ways to do things, keep that independence going. Work at being healthy as you can.

You don’t have to be married. You can have a good friend if you chose. When we get into our 60’s or 70’s life changes, we change and we don’t want the same kinds of things. The baby years have done. At last we can become whomever we wish to be. Sure life is shorter, but why not live it? Best wishes Pejj Nunes

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