Anisette Studio

There is not much left to say about “it”.

The damage is done no matter how long the person maintains the cutting you off from their life. It becomes too late. And there is nothing you can do, nothing will become the same again. This said you should ask if you really would want what you had. How good was it? It hurts more if you do feel it was good. But were there tell tale signs that some how you were seen as less than you would like. Were you really included? A part of things? What were those times like? When I look back it was a lot of taking up the slack, baby sitting and helping out financially____. It seems obvious when you find yourself cut out. What point in your life are you? Is it because your older? And somehow your not up to snuff?

Being cut off raises all sorts of questions? What happens if I get sick? I was already experience being vetoed regarding what I wanted. I was not being seen as an independent person. I was seen as someone you manage, and tell what to do. I was not invited to go places very often. No eating out or shopping. Just baby sitting. And if I wanted to talk about a topic? Not much of a response, only sometimes and not for long. I did more listening and I really did listen.

The relationship had been all of this daughter’s life. I was the mother, loving all my children. I saw needs and became supportive in all ways. The hurt is unbearable unless you can not go there. It means doing this for the rest of you life; nothing will ever take this hurt away. She has not tried to make any efforts and now it is too late. If you really love someone you don’t do this. It is all about that person, their wants, and what they feel are their needs.

I think this is about what I know being a part of her world. She wants to color her world in a certain way. She knows I hate lies, and she must maintain and lie to keep up how she wants portray the life left behind. I observed and saw the results of her words and actions. I did not interject myself, my opinions because she would not hear my thoughts. I observed the responses of others towards her and towards her ex. She would get her divorce. The move back here would happen. And she would walk away leaving things behind, just taking what she wanted. She has always walked away from things. Her world, her feeling were, are complex. That is what happens when you move, when you divorce and an old friend come into your life in the mix. People are happy to see you happy. No one else’s feeling are not considered because of anger, hurt, resentment. In this case it regards the ex and what things had deteriorated too. He was an functional alcoholic who never talked to me, and he had become very ill from years of drinking. He had times of drinking less. They had broken up, come to a point of divorce and came back together. She would leave and come to my home where everything changed. I had to figure out how to help her, readjust my home, be the babysitter and bank.

He had told her this is about me, not you. He knew she was unhappy and wanted to leave. Yet he did do some very kind and loving things giving her large amounts of money to help her move on. Yet he was demonized as most people are when people divorce. He helped by a house, left large amounts of money. Was this why I am cut out, that I know this? My gut says yes!

I have nothing to lose by talking about my experience. Talking about one’s experience is supposed to help. At times I think it does, and I have myself to the point where I feel pretty good. Then some thought comes a long and I am broadsided. Darker thoughts than I want to think about come into my head, and I refuse to maintain those. These thoughts are about the question, Is this life worth living? Life for me has been such a dysfunctional experience. One where I have constantly need to “be strong!” And overcoming what deeply hurt me. Always trying to understand. When I think of these things it feels overwhelming.

My middle daughter has been very supportive and so has her husband. The helped me to get my things, the things that mean a lot to me. My studio and my desk, my book case, that Tom’s grandfather made. She tries to make things right. She has a balanced way of being. However, she gets to see her sister, the kids. She gets to do the birthdays and holidays, or take the kids places, and she goes to her sisters. This hurts too. She thought doing things separate like having a birthday party for me with others and herself would make me feel good. It was nice. But it was all to obvious who was not there and that others knew why. I have told her not to do this anymore.

I think, I wish I could move away and I just got here! And I love my home, I am finding old and new friends. Things are looking good in every other way.

To live well I need to focus on me, what I need. At 71 you know life will last just so long. There is no room for the hurt and anger, the resentment that want to come in. She had said she would always be there for me, after all I had done! Not so! What I do realize is all this time it has been more about her than anyone else. I did not get to see my folks and improve my relationship with them. I was babysitting for her, I did not get to see my two other kids as much because life was about her. Tomas took a back seat to her needs too. She is right we had done a lot! “Come live near me and I can take care of you!” I almost didn’t. I had taken care of me, protecting myself all my life. And when I did trust in her? This is the result.

The lesson here? You might give birth to your children. You may have taken care of them and done so many things to make their lives better. Only for it to mean nothing much.

What are you left to do? You do need to rebuild life. You do need to protect your heart. You need to take care of you the best way you can while many in the world see you as “old” someone who doesn’t have value___. The thing is older folks do have value. They do not suddenly become stupid. They can belly up to the bar and meet their needs. They can live with deep sadness, hurt and anger. They can survive being ghosted. The can find a bottom line and its a painful one. One day at a time. Setti9ng boundaries. Loving the self, self care, meeting other people, finding happiness. And talking enough about your feelings to let it go.

Our children are our children, but they are who they are and it has little to do about you when your ghosted. So, I read. Our children, are responsible for their words and actions too. I am not sure of all of what I think.

Nothing that can be said changes what has been done, nothing will ever make this better. There is no more respect, trust and belief in her. She has to live with what she has done. I will not allow her to do more to me. And as far as her kids, and others who are allowed in her life. I don’t know how they fit in mine. She has colored, and tainted my life forever. I don’t want her to come into my world if I git sick or on my death bed. I have nothing to say, and if sick or dying I am not forgetting this to ease her mind. There is no good reason to cause such deep hurt to someone who gave birth to you.

She is living life. I am not too much only in her mind. May my thoughts help someone else. It does help to know you’re not alone. And we are not, it seems an epidemic. It does seem a way of not being responsible for one’s parent. What can be done about this is the big question. Not making less of who we are means not depending on those who do not want to be there. As uncertain as it feels, means not going there because hurt, anger, resentment is disabling. I am not something to be discarded. This shouts loudly about who my daughter has become. If only in my reality.

This is just one more reason to find my inner strength. I cannot be too tired to take care of me. I cannot buy into what brings me down. I need to do some cutting out of my own, and I have better reasons to pull out those scissors.

Best wishes! Pejj Nunes