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Good morning! Coffee! And sunshine coming in through my windows. Love it!

Today I am back to myself. That is what it is like when ghosted. After writing this blog, enjoying my coffee I will meditate and bring up the things that hurt if any. The meditation gives balance to the day. It has helped me to pull past hurts up and let them go. It is one of the reasons I do not want a return of my daughter. I feel happiness, and I find myself smiling for no reason.

I don’t stay on thinking about her and all it does mean to me and for me. That too quickly turns into feeling the anger, and hurt come knocking at the door in my mind. I am not going there, instead I fill my head with other things by doing other things, new things, different things. I focus on what I want the day to be. That takes courage and strength. It takes self-love and coming from the heart and higher self, not the head. I also think that allowing ones self the time to mourn, feel the hurt and cry is a part of this process. Not unlike losing Thomas, only my daughter is alive. I am sure she did not think about the results of her actions; what it would affectively mean. Perhaps she feels she can come back into my life at some point. I don’t want this or hope for this, because it means I will be whammed again. I think, “What could she ever say to me to make this right?” The answer that I hear in my head is, “Nothing!” The reason is because of all the things I have done out of love for her____. She has become someone I do not know or like.

All she is going through, whatever that is. It matters to her, it can’t matter to be as it keeps me at the edges of the relationship. I can’t wait around and live with hurt, that would turn into resentments. I feel them there, but I change the subject.

She did not think or worse she did! That she wants me to hurt, and she wants to give reasons why to cut me out. This is what her self-talk is? That’s a likely guess. If true it is cruel. And her self-talk gives her reason to be so. She is unable to say she is sorry for what she has established as the new precedence.

I know what it is like to deal with overwhelming things and yet carry on. Those feelings were a part of all I went through when divorcing her father. I was alone then, with one exception, and that was Tom was there. Now it is my daughter Clair who is my right wing. But this reminds me that she gets to be in her sister’s world, and she gets to do things with her niece and nephews. Life goes on for everyone in whatever normalcy there is. My son Stephen is not deeply involved as he simply lives life.

Clair has offered up creating special times for me, such as a separate Christmas supper. I have asked her not to do this even though it’s done out of love and kindness. It’s painful and a reminder of being cut out. If I can’t be a part of the family in a normal way. It allows my daughter to continue and have normalcy. Clair’s daughter is graduating; I am not invited. This feels wrong as well. It seems she is avoiding the possibility of something becoming uncomfortable, and her concern is having a nice day. To go anyway? Without and invite? Oh, I thought of that too. It would not lesson the hurt.

Sometimes I think it is a way of punishing me. And then I think for what? I also think it’s because she does not want to take care of me if I were to get sick! See how other thoughts can fuck with your head. It’s not hard. That if entertained would have me feeling fear as well. And give another reason to create a pro and con list in my head. “I don’t trust her! I would be put into an “elderly” or nursing home in a flash!” Not necessarily a nice place. This leads to doing all I can to be healthy. And wondering how long I can live on my own. Who will genuinely be there for me? God! I wish we had assisted deaths in this country. Then I would have choice.

These are examples of the things that come up for me. I don’t like these thoughts. I would rather pull up my big girl panties and take care of me as long as I can. Maybe I will just die in my sleep, I think.

The one thing I don’t want is to live a lonely life, waiting for others! That means getting involved with it! Taking the risk to know others and be a part of living life. It means doing art, and writing. It means not just doing those two things. It means following my own dreams. It means allowing, claiming the freedom that is now mine. That time I have because of her words and actions. I can do something with it! There are things to embrace such as meditation, going to American Mah Jong and meeting new people. Going to a women’s meditation group and learning about other new possibilities. What I love about this group is we are becoming good friends, there is a growing bond and I am loved for who I am! I am wanted as I love and want all of them in my world. They are smart interesting people. One opportunity is a Burlesque dance class! LOL and I feel nothing ventured nothing gained. A teaching opportunity has come up, and other events. These ladies are being real about their lives, and concerns. It feels great to be valued. And told you are! One door closes and another opens. New paths will happen if you step out of the box or start going down the path.

Even if this had not happened. I was headed onto a new path, one where I was claiming my life for me. Falling into understanding this means that it will trip me up and I won’t be doing what I really want to do. We are more than parents. Even while parenting we should be more. We look at the world and measure using time. Without thinking that we can make choices and change things up for ourselves. You really must not allow the wonkiness to overwhelm you. If it were someone else and not your child, it would not feel as hard. But our children, they are people finding their way forward too, and in so doing make decisions good or bad, indifferent as the saying goes. Parents do come to the point where they let go of their children or should so that life can be about them. It’s not a time to feel guilt or whatever, it’s not a time to hang onto the past years. They are memories. You can’t relive them. You can’t live for you adult children. It’s because you don’t feel you know what to do with yourself that makes you want to hang onto them. It is really about how not to hang onto them.

This is also a time for my daughter to finally find herself. As you get older a lot of things hit you like menopause, and your own needs, there are concerns about being alone as you age. I also so know these things are likely a part of her thought processes.

Perhaps she believes I judge her somehow. A guess here. The she has not learned or believes in who I have tried to show myself to be. No matter what her reasons are. She is struggling as we all do. Knowing these likely things. Well, they stem from compassion and Insite. That I can no longer share. We are complex. We need boundaries.

What happens in the future? Who knows. I do know I cannot, do not want to live a life of hoping or guessing. Making a stand according to the best information I have at any given point is the best I can do.

Best wishes! May this help. Pejj Nunes. 3/24/2026