Anisette Studio

Good Morning Sunshine! Something I want to share.

Today’s blog is about being ghosted. Being ghosted as a parent of an adult child is very difficult. Apparently, it is something that is and has been happening a lot at this time. This is a longer response, but I don’t think people mind.

It is understandable, for me, when it relates to someone having an abusive parent. But I am not one of those parents. Instead, I have been a loving, kind, parent. One that has done a lot to support and help my adult child. I can even understand that there is a very heavy burden she is trying to overcome at this time. One that includes divorce and death. She is trying to overcome, and hold a lot together. But instead of being support I am cut out of her life, and therefor the lives of my grandchildren. I am not longer invited to be a part of family functions.

The situation from my reality is we were moving back to our home state so we could be apart of our bigger family. I have three children. My middle daughter has been wonderful, and my son is doing all he does by working, and may be oblivious to the situation. But middle daughter is not. There is this wonderful support from her and her husband. They helped me to get “my stuff” moved here. I am grateful because these things are what remains of my life with dearest Thomas. Selling our home, and moving has made less of the things I once had. I could not take it all with me. What remains means a lot to me. It appeared to not be important to my fist daughter, as it seemed to her some of it could be left behind. My concern over these beloved things became a problem for her it seems. Too much____. I made attempts to talk about my concerns and it felt like I was not being heard. Somehow this was seen as me thinking only about me! The whole move had been about her moving, a divorce____ and other families helped and supported her, rallied around her. My contribution was child care while others worked on this move back home. They benefited by the move in different ways. She benefited by their support. I ended up feeling left out of the loop.

The situation made me miss Thomas badly and alone, and if you’ve lost the love of your life, you know that missing them feels very hard, and depressing. The battle to find ones balance is something you must be vigilant with so to be happy. Time makes loss better. I am pretty balanced with regarding the loss of Thomas, this new loss of my daughter is difficult because I am not privy to knowing what she is going through. When you read about being ghosted you learn that “it” is not about you! Yet here I am affected! My relationship with my daughter forever changed by the role she has taken on. It has gone from what I thought was a loving, trusting relationship, where I supported her in many ways___ to this. The difficult part is not having answers. The ghosted person is left in a limbo land.

I have been someone who has always needed to understand the realities of others, and myself. Being cut out does not give you anything to go on. It makes life awkward. It makes life lonely, it robs you of what you were building on; the relationships important to you.

Me wanting the remains of my life with Thomas was not a selfish thing. The things I have mean comfort and are memories for me. For these things to be seen as unimportant hurts and confuses me. A close friend of hers said to me that I thought everything was supposed to be about me. No, not the case at all. I was only concerned for my belongings, the content of my studio and things from the life with Thomas. That hurt because this person stepped between me and my daughter not understanding our forty six year old relationship. Instead painting me with a broadly? Narrowly? With a brush full of assumptions. Those assumptions are from things said by my daughter, according to how she feels. This is how it can work. And is my own assumption. All of this assumed reality hinges on assumptions. Nothing I can say or do would change it now, it can’t be forgotten. It’s been four months at this point in time.

Once again life has thrown something at me, where I must gather my big girl panties up and take the higher road for my own sanities sake.

When Thomas died I made promises to myself about how I would live life. These promises would make life interesting and worthwhile. I am doing all of the things on that to do list. I can not afford to let “this thing” take over my life. I am not going to live in a world of hurt! I am not going to endlessly try to understand this one. It’s not fair. Its unloving, unkind, thoughtless, selfish to do this to someone your supposed to love. The people in the know regarding what ghosting is___. They are right! This isn’t about me! I can’t change it. It is just another hurt. I do not know how to see it any different than I do. My other adult children are not the problem for her, but I am. It is my world that has become tainted and unable to heal from easily. Its like death. Yet the person you are is not dead, not the person ghosting you, they are not dead.

It is a constant and vigilant thing you do to keep your balance when ghosted. I think of what it means to be a mother, and how you love your children no matter what! And to be a mother and have your child do this to you___ it feels unbearable. Some thoughts in the beginning are not good ones. Your children are a big and important part of your life. This makes me feel very unloved. It makes me feel betrayed and abandoned. Rejected. These are my feelings, and the feeling of other ghosted people.

You do wait and hope that something is finally said to you. I suspect living life gets in the way. Self talk gets in the way? Perhaps shame is in the mix for treating me as she has. Fear of confrontation? What I might say, said with the justifiable hurt and anger I do feel. Guesses, more assumptions.

So, what do I do to make my life worthwhile? I continue to fulfill the promises I made by doing the things I thought of. And I add to this list of things to be accomplished. I gained my independence by having my own place thanks to middle daughter who seems to understand who I am.

Perhaps my need for my independence made my first born react as she did. I had always dropped things I wanted to do before and focused on her, helping her. I did become more vocal about it being now or never to do what I always wanted to do. The plan is to do something with my art and writing to help a lot of people! It will help a lot of people and I am doing it!

Being 70, 71__ I am very conscious of time. So, it is indeed now or never? I did ask myself a lot about How do I to finally do me. It was impossible to be the writer and artist in the middle of her family. Even with an in-law apartment. I had sold my home and invested in the home we moved from, losing that investment in that home. Instead of having financial security now, it’s lost. That is my reality so if I am to have more money I need to create the means of doing so. This reality hurts too. Living in an in-law was not what I needed. How to back track from that, at the time I did not understand how to make it possible. Having a family is an interuptive kind of thing unless what you do is seen as important. I was able to do art and writing in the mix but it did get stalled and interrupted and that was frustrated, as I felt unsupported. I understood how busy family life can be. What I needed was my own tribe. I have a tribe now! And so I am not alone. I am finding my way forward. I play American Mah Jong and go to a meditation group which is a godsend to having balance in my life. My days are happy ones and I feel good, and strong despite the times of being broadsided. It is because of these things a thought arises about wanting her in my life. At this point I want to ghost her in that I do not want the kind of relationship that was happening with her, it has take time but I have come to see that part of the unhappiness I felt was because I was unseen for who I am, unheard. There was very little acknowledgment from her. I was to adapt to her needs and was disregarded only when I was useful to what she needed me to do, compensate for her by being a built in bank or babysitter. I did things out of love, only to realize I was used. I allowed this by giving in to it for a long time as I gave up my own dreams. Those dreams were not thought about. A lot of money was spend to help her, and a lot of time was given up to help her. I did not visit family as I should have to solve relationships gone wonky. It’s to late now. I regret what I did, now I am treated this way. There is no coming back from this.

Is there a possible way into some kind of relationship now? I do not know if I want a relationship now. That is just being honest. I feel if you love your mother, and truly love her you do not put her through this.

How to live a rich life for myself. That is my focus now. It is not good to hinge life on other people over yourself now matter if life is good or wonky! This is wonky and not mind to control. Its out of my hands. My new way of living is out of my head and into my heart.

The most loving way to think about this is that this is my daughter’s life lesson. She has to come to terms with what is hers to own. I can’t wait for her to come to terms with her life. She like me has to do this on her own, come to her own conclusions. There was a saying I took to heart when younger. “Do not do or say things you can not stand behind and admit up to doing or saying.” Otherwise its all something of your own making. The results of her words and actions has me moving on, and that is proving to be freedom of choice. I don’t want to hear what she might say at this point in time. I am too involved with how I need to be to move forward for what ever time I have left.

Why write this? Because I am not alone, this same thing has happened to others, even with different scenarios there is a commonality. Perhaps reading my story will help someone else. This is imposed upon the person who is ghosted. It is life changing. It hurts and it is meant to hurt you and push you away! It is being discarded. For whatever reason___ I did not deserve this neither has anyone else! If you’re not an abusive person, you do not deserve to be ghosted period! But you can survive it! You’re not alone. Read about it, get help with your feelings.

Best wishes! Pejj