Anisette Studio

I miss our home, but that’s if I stop to think of it, as that triggers the mind to what was. And like my hurt from losing Thomas, this to has a place in my heart to be treated tenderly. Now I reclaim a new home by myself. I remember when Thomas asked me about selling his parents’ home, and for us to buy one we could claim as ours! What a thoughtful man he was! And so we did, and I build upon two studio spaces there, one a Gazebo studio and the other inside our home. “Home is where the heart is!” Lots of love, and laughter there! And so that has followed me here. My life is rich, although Thomas is not physically here. September is coming up and so it will be 4 years.

What is death then? A release of the soul to journey forward. The body no longer needed. I know if he were here what he would say or likely be doing. I would not want to see his anxiety, concerns, and how he felt regarding his last days. Pulmonary Fibrosis, his death could have been far worse, but his heart just stopped beating. He had, had a valve put in 2014. It was after I learned how bad it could have been, and Covid was raging. If he had made it to the hospital, it would have been a far worse death. His death was a gentle thing, I rested him against me, kissed him and called 911. They came and did “their thing, and Thomas died.” What a surreal time it was, suddenly your alone. Poof! And your loved one is gone. It is a sad thing to recall yes! That is not why I write this; thought I feel those thoughts. The fact is I did not die. Whatever time I have before me, there is one question it comes down to and that is “What do I want to do now?”

I found it takes a different approach when it came to myself directing my suddenly single life. Embracing a new way of being, and not calling up regrets of what might have been. I took a year, although it did not take that full year to come to a conclusion. I thought about our home and thought I cannot take care of its needs on my own. I did not want to see it slowly fall apart. I would not be able to fix things. I concluded selling would be best. There was a lot of things to deal with, and so I began going through things starting with Tom’s clothes. His work clothes easier to do. The things he collected like rubber bands, paper clips, little odd things, some he used for work. The there were the photocopies of articles, or something to use for art, a lot about Jazz. I worked my way through the remnants of Tom’s life. There were funny things, and things I had never seen before. Things I treasure now. I have all his music and books. We both loved books and Jazz, other music! I have his artwork. I know how he felt about so many things. Most important I know how he loved me! And how I loved him! How rare to have the kind of relationship we had felt to us. I tell him, make another contract for us! But this time give us the kind of life that is lived long, where we can love again like this! One where together we help lots of people have better lives! A life with compassion, empathy, genuineness, trust, respect, and all that makes it rich and fruitful. It’s all about love and expressing it. And death? Death is where we can’t go on but prepare for what is next. Having known a deeper love is comfort when it is just you. I will be ok. I have others who need my immediate love now. Loving Thomas will never stop that’s a given! The heart is like a huge castle with many rooms to fill up! For all you put there.

Best wishes! Pejj Nunes